National Lampoon's Andrea’s Move to Toledo

My plan was to leave when I got up on the 13th. Well, I was only half packed and still had errands too run before I left home that day. I was staying in West Memphis, AR that night which is only about 4 hours from Vicksburg. Hotels in West Memphis, AR are cheaper than Memphis, TN and that's why I chose to stay there. So… at 8:30 that night I still was not really finished packing because I forgot some stuff and I was tired of packing and ready to leave. I intended to travel I-55 towards Memphis because it’s safer driving at night. There are more people, exits, and gas stations than 61 N. Well Peter Paul (my gps system) had other plans for me. Because of Paulie I had to drive through the Delta at night. Poor Scotty (my car) was so covered in dead bugs that he looked like a white car with black car bra. Not only is it harder to find a gas station on 61, but if you do find one at night it’s probably closed. You guessed it. Some idiot forgot to fill up before she left home.

Well, it was time for Pete to redeem himself. I searched for the closest gas stations and clicked on a BP and he starts directing me to a Double Quick. I was too happy about that at the time because I don’t like my choices to be taken away from me. I wasn’t going to pull up the screen again because I was headed to gas station and the more time I’m looking at the screen the less time my eyes on the road. When I get out at the station, there’s a drunken man washing windshields and asking for money. For those of you who know about my experience with homeless people in bus stations, you may be thinking poor Andrea not again. I was thinking I forgot my pepperfoam at home. Then I thought I could spray him with gasoline and there’s a cigarette lighter app on my iphone and he just might be drunk enough to believe it was real. I then heard the man say, “I’m not messing with that white car, she’s from Warren County, and Warren County people are crazy.” I thought, ‘crazy he’s one to talk.’ But I was the one thinking of defending myself with a simulation of a cigarette light, so maybe he had something there.

After I’m back on the road, I travel about 4 miles and thank God Paulie didn’t take me to the BP because it was closed. The rest of the ride to the hotel went without incident. My mom kept trying to get me to turn off the highway and got the way she found on mapquest. I know there are times when Pete can lead me wrong if I let him, but I was going north on 61 which leads straight into Memphis and it’s the same way I went the last time I went to Memphis. When I got to the hotel, I was a little weirded out by the clerk already having my key on the counter behind her waiting for me. My room was the 2nd worst hotel room I had ever been in. I think it might have been somebody’s science project. Maybe I was the science project. Yeah that’s it. They put in a room with the ceiling and walls covered with mildew and waited to see if I would survive the night. I thought about asking for another room, but I was afraid they would give me a worse one. Believe me worse rooms exist.

Bright and early the next day, well early for me, I check out of the petri dish and I’m ready to head to Jeffersonville, IN. It’s a city just outside of Louisville, KY and the hotel rates are cheaper there. There’s a theme developing here. As I said, I’m ready to head out but I run into a little problem. I have the address of my next hotel, but my good buddy Peter Paul can’t find it. Well that’s not a big problem right because my iphone also has a gps device. Yep you guessed it again. I thought apparently my next hotel doesn’t exist or I’m in the Twilight Zone. I decided since I already paid for the hotel it had to exist. I had the address; I was sure I would be able to find it. So I found myself following the road signs. I started out heading north through Arkansas, but it was just a lot of farmland, not very scenic, and more bugs went splat on Scotty, poor baby. I decided to go through Tennessee then Kentucky. Tennessee is beautiful country and probably the best part of my road trip. When I turned off in AR to go back into TN it added probably an hour or so to my trip but it was worth it. When I arrived in Jeffersonville, I saw the hwy that my hotel was on, took that exit, and saw my hotel. Then I couldn’t figure out how to get to the hotel. I drove past it, came back, up & down the streets in front of and perpendicular to it. I was about to turn around in the parking lot of a UPS warehouse for the second time when I saw a car coming from around the building. After the car passed, I turned my lights on bright and saw a little street. I should have turned the lights on bright when the car was still there because they were probably trying to tell me to turn around and go back. But hey, if this was one of those choose your own adventure stories, how many people would turn around? I followed this dark road around a dark warehouse at 9pm into the Bermuda Triangle and came upon none other than what I thought could not be my hotel. But it was. I saw no other car, not even an employee car. I slowly drove past the front door and I saw there was a tv on in the lobby but no people, so I drove past the door again. I parked my car and called my mom before I entered the building. I went in and Norman Bates smiles at me from behind the counter. I got to my room and was pleased to see no mildew. I talked on the phone for awhile and watched some tv. When I turned back the covers on the bed I got slapped in the face with an awful odor. The pillows emitted this hideous odor, so I took them all off the bed. I figured I could suffer one night without pillows, and then I saw some crawling on the wall at the head of the bed. It was a small bug, and I killed it. I became extremely uncomfortable and wary. I kept staring at the wall, and I couldn’t stop moving because I felt like something was going to crawl on me. I wasn’t sure if I was going to be able to sleep in there. When I saw the next bug on the wall and one in the bed, I knew I wasn’t staying there. I went down stairs and told Norman I was checking out. This was the worst hotel room I have ever been in. I don’t know if 40 minutes shortest time anybody has stayed there, but from the looks of the place I’m guessing not.

I decided you can’t go wrong with a Holiday Inn. Dayton, OH was only 2 hours north. I looked up a Holiday Inn in Dayton and called from pricing & availability. After the lady gave me this info on the phone, I told her the situation I was leaving & asked the condition of the hotel. Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t expect her to say anything but great things about her hotel. I was just trying to avoid get put in a room with known problems. What I didn’t expect was for her to say, “We used to be a Holiday Inn.” I should have said, “What’s the number to the real Holiday Inn?” I typed in the address for the hotel in Dayton, but poor Paulie couldn’t help me yet. There was just a question mark on the screen because the satellite couldn’t find me. I didn’t waste anymore time, and I headed back on the hwy towards Dayton where I would be out of the Bermuda Triangle. Apparently none of the air conditioners worked at the hotel formerly known as the Holiday Inn because even the hallway felt like a sauna. There was no odor, no mildew, and most importantly no bugs, so I could survive the night.

On Saturday, it’s smooth sailing to Toledo. Let me give some background on my apartment choice. There’s a group of student apartment across the street from the campus all under the same management. I originally chose the building that had satellite tv and high speed internet included with the rent. That building also has a gated parking lot and key card entrance doors. It’s a nice looking brick building. I signed my lease for this apartment in April after I decided $135 more per month was too much for tv, internet, and extra security. All I need is the internet which costs about $40 per month. After all how different can the two buildings be. And my theme continues. When I check in at the apartment office, I ask how to get to my building. The girl tells me it’s the next building on the other side of the building I just described. I pull into the parking lot and for the second time in as many days I thought, ‘this can’t be it.’ The building looks like I could huff and puff and blow it down. My apartment was disgusting. There’s minor fire damage in the kitchen. My blinds don’t work. My bathroom door doesn’t close. My ceiling leaks. I’m pretty sure I smell fish frying in the kitchen and beans burning on the grill. Yep, I’m moving on down… for now.